My friend, Mike, said I needed to see this movie. He lent me the video and it sat on my shelf for a few months. Now, even he might say I’m exaggerating when I say Bitch Slap (2009) is so much more than a movie, but let me explain why I’m not.
From the stylized opening credits, which radiate the go-go cool cat vibe of 70s sexploitation, to the simulated sex & escalating violence, which is so far from anything the 70s could have created, to the unpredictably predictable storyline, which is my way of saying “wow, you know it’s coming but it still surprises you when it does”–yes, Bitch Slap is so much more than a movie.
At least it should be. It should be a drinking game, a comic book, and a video game. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Once upon a time, there were three little girls… Wrong show, but Bitch Slap reminds me of Charlie’s Angels. On crack. Or Meth. We meet our three heroines. No, we meet their boobs first. Then we meet them:
- Trixie, a naive stripper with a whole lot more going on than you think
- Camero, a hotheaded dyke with a penchant for violence, pills, and clever dialogue who hates Trixie and is in love with Hel
- Hel (“Helen”), the quick-thinking, no-nonsense leader with a secret affair and a secret agent past
The three are at a trailer in the desert looking for buried diamonds. The story comes at us from a present timeline woven with flashbacks that take us steadily backward in time to exotic locations with other characters.
The editing and direction is incredible. Snappy, stylish, intense. There is no wasted time in this flick. No slow points. No irrelevant character building. Plenty of plot, titillation, and foul language. Lots of kissing and touching. No real sex. No real nudity (one scene of a stripper).
The acting rocks–from the main cast to the supporting cast. These women and men are over-the-top, but authentic. This is a pulp comic come to life. What’s happening on the screen is making you laugh, but you don’t doubt for a moment that the characters take it all dead seriously.
Cut to slow-motion. Heavy rock music–did I mention the soundtrack for this movie ALSO kicks ass? Sweat, heels, boobs. Especially boobs. This would be the chain gang scene if this were a 70s sexploitation flick. Here, they’re digging for diamonds.
Camero leers. Trixie gyrates. Hel surveys. They grill a low-life hood named Gage. He’s too stupid to realize that having a penis and a foul mouth will get him nowhere but dead.
A young stud shows up. The sheriff. Ugh. I figured this was where the movie would tank. You know, here is the good penis versus the bad penis who was just buried. The women need to get rid of the law. Will they say “Please, can you help us, Big Boy?”
Nope. They create a fantastic story. They’re virgins from a convent who were exposed to debauchery. Now, they’re dirty and desperate. Sheriff Fuchs (that’s “fyooks” not “fucks”) offers to help, but the girls manage to get rid of him. They SEND HIM AWAY. Solid.
So tell me: what would you do while you’re tediously digging next to two hot chicks in the desert? No, no, no! The soaking t-shirts come later. First, you’re gonna swap sex stories.
For Trixie, her best was a bumper-car three-way. Camero’s best lay was a contortionist behind the freak show tent at Circus Nudiess. She tells us she couldn’t stand straight for days. Never did get her name. Remember that. She never got the contortionist’s name.
Another flashback and we meet Hotwire, a grunge thug with crappy teeth and an engaging case of Tourette Syndrome. He has a wicked Crouching-Tiger-Hidden-Dragon sidekick, Kinki, who really likes to squeeze boobs.
Back to the girls digging. Now, it’s getting hot. Real hot. There is a bucket of water handy. In fact, many buckets. Finally! Like everything in this movie, you see it coming, but it still surprises you. Drenched women. But again, no nudity.
The director is brilliant. He uses our experience of wet t-shirts and all that we usually see in such a situation but doesn’t really deliver it. We see nipple bumps once, but no nipples. No clinging fabric. And it’s still fucking hot.
“Don’t tell me you don’t want some of what I’m selling,” says Trixie. Right on!
Another flashback. And there’s Hercules–er, Phoenix played by Kevin Sorbo, an agent in league with Hel. The plot thickens. The women aren’t really who they pretend to be. Back at the water party, the girls find a buried body. It’s Phoenix again. Dead. Who’s onto them? Hel takes charge. Camero checks the perimeter. Hel tends to Trixie’s hysteria. Alone in the trailer.
Sex happens. At least, I think it does. There’s lots of kissing and grinding, and I have a pretty good imagination, so I think that’s what happened. Again, the director has used our expectation to lead us on, to make us think we got more than we did. I didn’t actually see sex. And I didn’t care. It was fucking hot.
Unfortunately, Camero saw sex. She catches Trixie and Hel in flagrante delicto and freaks out. She swallows some pills as she recollects her prison romance with Hel. Now we know why Camero hates Trixie so much.
Another flashback some time later. We meet Xena–er Mother Superior played by Lucy Lawless and her sidekick Sister Gabrielle played by Rene O’Conner. They’re conversing in a convent. It seems poor Gabby is STILL not getting any from Xena: “My impure thoughts have gone beyond inanimate objects and have devolved into lusting after strapping Latvian gymnasts,” she says. They stumble upon Camero giving it to a nun in the confessional. As Sister Prudence Bangtail, Camero is hiding out. She had the diamonds!
And that is only half the movie.
The rest is equally gripping. You think you know how it will end, but you don’t. Hotwire and Kinki show up again. The sheriff returns, but he doesn’t save the day. None of the women is who she says she is. Most of the second half is devoted to fight scenes among the women. They are spectacular.
I told you Bitch Slap should be more than a movie. Here’s why:
Bitch Slap: The Drinking Game
Take a drink each time Camero addresses Trixie with one of her delightful euphemisms. Here are a few:
- Joy Ride
- Blow White
- Ax Wound
- Gland Canyon
Take a drink each time the Evil Villain, Gage, degrades the women with his impotent insults. Here are a few:
- Fur-pie jamboree
- Fucking Slag
Everyone else drinks an extra round if you can come up with your own colorful euphemism or misogynistic harangue.
- Everyone drinks when Camero puts a bullet in Gage’s teabag.
- Everyone drinks when she kills him.
Bitch Slap: The Comic Book
Who wouldn’t want to see boobs and violence and girls grinding each other in a print medium that handles easily with one hand while lying in bed alone at night?
And imagine being the artist who gets to draw all that.
Bitch Slap: The Video Game
Your character would be a hot female secret agent or underworld boss, often mistaken for a stripper.
The object of the game would be to find booty, get rich, have sex with other gorgeous women, and kill everyone that isn’t useful. That will include everyone with a penis. It’s Grand Theft Auto IV, but you get to waste the Johns and get their money.
Now Go Buy It
Bitch Slap saw limited release in theaters and was available for a time on Netflix. You have to buy it now. If you know Mike, I’m sure he’d lend it to you. Thanks Mike! You were right. I loved it! At Amazon.